Badger, Honey

Psst-can somebody please tell me how I get myself into these things?

There I was, minding my own  Gingery business, putting out some kick-ass poetry, when along came a spider and sat down beside her….oh, no, wait- that’s not right, it was more like this: along came Mr. Silly Person and he was practically begging me (not really-sometimes I exaggerate in order to draw the audience in and to make you think I am waaay cooler than I really am) to write something with him. Some people have no shame. I swear, to the best of my knowledge and awful short term memory, that this is what really happened.

Yeah, so anyway, Mr. Silly Person, aka, Edward Hotspur and myself, aka, The Most Gingerlicious GingerSnaap in all the GingerLand, have written a little sumthin-sumthin for your reading pleasure. Any other ‘pleasure’ you want to have while reading this is fine with me, as long as you don’t make a mess and take pictures. Sharing is caring.

I now present to you, for your pleasure of reading or pleasure of something else, our top notch meeting of the sarcastic minds…

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BADGER, HONEY

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I love you all

Don’t get me wrong
But I need a little break
A snotty nose
A pile of clothes
It’s all too much to take
There are oh so many times
When I think ‘okay, that’s it’
I hear ‘honey’
I mentally add ‘badger’
And stop giving a shit
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You smell like you’re homeless
Ever heard of a bath?
 Is that stench from your ass, or a rotten fishcake?
 He puked in the car
She broke the new flat screen
 And one hundred vicodin won’t dull this mental ache.
They’re driving me insane
But I remember that badger
All bad-ass and nasty
They eat things like you for breakfast
To restore order to their domain
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You did it again?
You did it again?
Should I make a recording and play it
So that every time you mess something up I don’t have to say it?
He wants this meal, she wants that
How many meals do I have to make?
Eat a vegetable – it won’t kill you
But I might if you don’t grab a plate
And no you don’t look fat in that
This honey badger swears
Do you seriously own any clothes that suck? No?
Then you look good in everything you wear!
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“I miss you baby”, you said with a wink
“Come give me some honey, please just one drink”
Oh, you want some of this? A taste of my nectar?
Your chances are better with Rosie of Palm-
Add some soap, and keep that mess in the sink
 “But I’m starving”,you cry in a whimpering fit
 “Your body I must have, I’ll go quickly,in a lickity split!”
Baby I told you once, I told you ten times
Your honey badger’s much too busy
Simply not giving a shit
I’ve got new batteries, clean sheets on the bed
I will sail on with this rubberized weasel
No shit’s will be given, full speed ahead!
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I see you dancing seductively
But let’s be honest about why
Could it be that shopping spree
You’re trying to distract me from?
They were on sale!
You proudly proclaim I saved so much money!
You’re looking pretty good there, I admit
But here’s a file marked Badger, Honey
 And it’s completely filled with not giving a shit
You may be grinding against the middle
But I can’t help but suspect
You’re really grinding slightly to my right
On the pocket where my wallet is kept
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Oh honey, badger me not about your ‘wallet’ too small
Lest you forget I don’t give a shit, like not now, like not at all
I dance from my bladder ruptured and weak
Because of these flesh eating rodents called “kids”
Made from that drunken night,with my back against a wall.
We’re far from where we started, our sanity swept away
Goodbye went our youthfulness, farewell to risqué
Your breath reminds me of toxic gas
The children are acting like rabid trolls
But shit’s I gave have left the building, hear them shouting “HOORAY”!
Honey the Badger is no weakly lame-duck
And since we’re out of shit’s to give
How about instead, we don’t give a fuck!
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Edward Hotspur and The Most Gingerlicious GingerSnaap in all The GingerLand.
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(This is the first time I have ever ‘signed’ my name at the end of one of my posts) (Ed is kind of uppity that way.) (What?) (Gawd, it was a joke) (Kind of) (Sometimes he’s mean, too) (GingerBadger don’t give a shit) (The End)
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20 thoughts on “Badger, Honey

  1. Clean sheets and new batteries, Ms. Great Gingeress you are my kinda gal :)( Oh please not in “that” way).Great work it hit home for me.

  2. Ging, you crazy chick! You know you’re my favorite blogger in the entire state of Ohio, and in fact, the whole tri-state area? And I didn’t beg, so please please PLEASE stop saying I begged. I’m beg – um, I’m asking you.

    So anyway, when’s the next one. Let’s do the next one!

      • I’m cool with “entire state of Ohio, and in fact, the whole tri-state area”! Thanks!
        And now I can say “ditto, silly person”! (I will still run you over with my grocery cart if I ever see your one eye at Kroger. Just so we’re clear. ‘Favorite’ doesn’t mean I won’t inflict bodily harm on you. It’s the GingerBadger way)

        The next one? Only if you beg. (Not really, but it will have to wait a few days- busy season is here.) (Can other people see what I write in these parenthesis-thingys? It’s my way of Blog-whispering. Can you hear me? Which is your good Blog ear?)

  3. Awesome… even though it just highlights how hard it is to get equal time from Ed these days because he is so busy with all the cute girls… so whose #*&% do I have to ^*+# to get some %$!@*&^ time from that *&%$+*@!?
    Okay, I feel better now. Good post. Vivid imagery. Cutting deep.

  4. well – I like the swirly things you have over here Ginger – they make my head whirrrrr…. like the marvelous toy – anyways I left comments at Edwards cause he was before you in my reader – how that happened – I mean is it alphabetical or – oh you posted first then he did.. or something but in the reader I was working my way down from and that goes the other way from how the world is working or something .it hurts my head.. … anyways love it I did… do… like butta G-sus honey …

    • The swirly things are like what the inside of my brain looks/feels like!

      Big butta G-sus is funny, no? There is a gigantic statue of Jesus up the road, alongside the highway- it was like a bazillion feet tall, and it burned down a few years ago. It looked like it was sculpted outta butta, hence it’s nickname ‘Big Butter Jesus’. It was also called ‘Touch Down Jesus’- I’ll have to find a photo or two…

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