My Romance

 

Confession:

This past weekend, I started writing a Romantic Monday story, but I quit fairly soon after I began.

 

The reason?

 

The reason was nothing more than a ‘I simply wasn’t feeling it’ attitude. Romance, while not completely absent, has been a bit of a foreign concept lately. Almost dead in a way, or maybe more like numb. A ‘going through the motions’ of life and our relationship kind of deal. Two well acquainted strangers living separate lives while living together. Co-existing on the bare minimums. Sigh.

 
I felt really pissed about that attitude I let settle inside.

 

Felt pissed by the crazy cycle we find ourselves in more often than not. Pissed over the fact that I couldn’t bring myself to write any loving or romantic type of anything, at all. Nada.

That attitude then turned into the blues and ‘how sad is it that I can’t drum up any mushy-gushy-feely-good feelings for the person I share my life with’ ?

 

Really, Ginger, nothing at all?

 

I then decided to sit in that feeling for awhile…

 

A good friend of mine says that “sometimes, it’s good to sit in the pot and stew, even if that stew stinks”. I hate it when this particular friend is right, and she is right, a lot!

 

So there I sat…

 

Stewing…

 

Marinating…

 

Letting the muck boil up to the top of the pot so I could see it and skim it off.

If you rush the process of the ‘stewing’, the good stuff never reaches it’s peak or it’s potential. You take it off the heat too soon and it’s tough, not edible and just plain gross…

But when you allow proper time for ‘stewing’, and you allow that muck to boil up to the top, it’s then that you can actually see what was in there in the first place. Invisible at first, but now there it is, plain as day, separating itself from the good stuff you are trying to create. It’s greasy, it’s a nasty grey-ish color of death, and it smells disgusting…

 

How did that get in there and what the hell is it, anyway?

 

But that muck, even though it is gross and unhealthy, is just as important as the good stuff, no?  You cannot have that muck boiling up to the top without having the good stuff stewing at the bottom. It’s impossible to have one without the other.

 

And then I have an “ah-ha” moment and decide….

 

Perhaps this is just another side of ‘romance’. It’s what’s behind the sunshine and rainbows, in the shadows, in the background. This is the part that is impossible to have without the other.

It’s like this: I would reeeaally like to have a better, healthier, happier, fun and more romantic relationship with my husband, however, when I allow myself to get stuck in those feelings of ‘what we are not’, I then fail to see that the heartaches, and the ‘sticking with it and fighting for it’ IS, in fact, the good stuff of our romance…

Maybe the muck that boils up to the top is my child-like imagery of what romance SHOULD look like- the kind that is oftentimes unrealistic and impossible to obtain. Maybe the muck is made up of my expectations of a perfect marriage- defeating at best. That muck probably has my refusal to see the good in my partner before the bad.

Maybe the good stuff is me getting a healthy dose of reality and realizing that it would do me some good to step things up on my end of this relationship. Maybe the good stuff has reminders for me to stop chasing intangibles and the ghosts of ‘what if’. I think the good stuff also has some ‘letting go of unwise habits and damaging thought processes’ too.

The stew I am simmering in isn’t very pretty yet. It’s raw, frozen, and it’s filled with choosing to love vs. wanting to love, selfless vs. selfish, loving based on my unstable emotions vs. loving out of my commitment to the vow. The flavors have not yet melded, the color isn’t that perfect caramelized hue, it’s still tough, and it doesn’t taste good…. yet.

So I wait. I stay here in this heaviness, in this process of refinement, in the anticipation of what’s to come. I decide that, while this may not be the world’s version of romance, it is currently my version of romance. One that says “I know this doesn’t look good on the outside yet, but let it ‘stew’-be patient with the process”. My version is saying that this is merely another growing pain, and it will all be worth it on the other side.

 

My Romance is in the…

Not giving up.
Loving through the darkness.
Turning up the heat under the pot.
Remembering my end of this vow.

Not finished yet.

 

 

 

 

60 thoughts on “My Romance

  1. Going through the hard times, helping each other out when one (or the other) doesn’t want to, and being there through the stewing and the daily grind?

    I don’t think there is a truer definition of real life romance.
    Stew away, Ginger!

  2. I am so proud .. I dunno why that should be what i am feeling but it is.. this is so well thought out and such a big step to happiness – contentment.. being grateful for and finding joy in what we have instead of bitching about what we don;t and it seems that the stupid fairy tale concept ..why? but why did we not see it before? I know that its there to make it all look great i mean who would choose if the reality of relationships and parenting were told to us before hand.. romance, love our relationships are our own ,, and there are a lot of unhappy people because they dwell on what he or she didnt do or can or wont… instead of what they did or will or can… thanks for starting out my day so well.. :-) love you.

      • pshhhhht – just because we are older and wiser does not make us ..yea there was some deep thought but I lost it and it isn;t working but I think its safe to say – i am wiser but still not mature.. if i dont wanna be.. and most times even when i do,. im just a wiser goofball…

  3. You just blew my mind. This is hard to do, but you did it. Every word up there was heartfelt, brilliant and perfect. You turned the tables on me, G. Romantic Monday was me trying to get other people thinking about it, and you got me to stop and think about the reality of it. This was perfect for Romantic Monday or any day.

  4. Awesome. Fire is your friend, Ginger. Whether the heat under the pot is in the bedroom or the garage, it call comes out good in the end. Fab entry for RM.
    xxx

  5. Do you not realize the romance in what you just wrote? My husband brings me coffee in the morning or vice versa…we take turns letting each other sleep in…we have been together 23 years so you described us…but the romance is in the little things. We pass by each other all day long but at night my romance is lying in his arms the only arms I have ever laid in. For me commitment is romantic. Let your dreams be your dreams and let them strengthen your loves.

  6. That made complete sense to me. When I saw the Romantic posts idea I knew I couldn’t come up with anything, I have nothing to draw upon for it, besides being in a relationship for 6 years it isn’t what I assumed was romantic.

    Oh, and I like your swirly background, it’s making my eyes go funny.

  7. I feel the same way about my husband – a lot. Like yesterday I was really irritated that he always cancels out my vote cause how can he vote that way but then he took my book back to the library which was nice because I was too lazy to do it and I was like, well he’s useful. Now that’s romantic. :D

  8. The fact that you just contemplated all of this is pure romance right there. No REAL love story is perfect, is it? I think making it through the darkness, greeting the other side, TOGETHER, is the truest of true loves. You’re seeing all sides of each other, and neither one of you are going anywhere. Don’t think too much (that’s what sends me to my dark place). Love this post.

  9. I am reading you, and I really loved this one. I think you are so right, when you look for romance, it can be found in so many different forma, and it’s all so personal to each relationship. There are things that my husband does, that I find romantic, only because I know my man, but to another person, they would think “Whaaaa…?” That’s something that is so much fun about love and romance… it’s so personal and private.. it’s so you and your other. Good post.. you’ll see me around again.. ~ Jen

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