I hate The Carpenter’s.
Him: Karen, I just pooped in my pants.
Her: Stop acting like a Richard, Richard.
No, not the guys who do construction and wear muscle shirts and get all sweaty and wear hard hats….. the Brother/Sister singing duo in that photo up there. I especially hate it when their Christmas music is played on the radio. Makes me have convulsions and foam at the mouth. Or maybe that’s just the chili I made for dinner. No, no, noooooo, it’s definitely the Carpenters Horrible Holiday Sounds. Can I get a witness? Care to preach it on the altar of this is the worst holiday music ever made in the history of holiday music? No? Then you can go straight to hell in a Karen Carpenter handbasket, with a side of Richard in your mouth.
Sigh.
Do you see what happens to me when I even THINK about them? It adds to my evil ugliness. Or maybe it enhances it? I don’t know.
In honor of my hatred of all things “The Carpenters”, I have re-written one of their Christmas songs for you, GingerSnaap style! I really hope you enjoy it and that it makes you feel warm and fuzzy all over. But if you DO feel warm and fuzzy all over, it could be because you just tinkled a little bit in your panties, or not, no need to tell me about it…
So, without further adieu, rambling/intro-ing/or segway-ing, I give you my version of “Merry Christmas Darling“…
Asshat Christmas letters have all been sent
The holiday rush is through
But I still have one oath to make
A special vow for you
Merry Christmas darling
We’re apart that’s true
But I can dream stalk, and in my dreams
I’m stalking the hell out of you.
Holidays are stressful
There’s always a creep or two
And everyday’s a holiday
When I’m lurking near to you
The lights on your tree
You didn’t know I could see
I wish you weren’t this way
The logs on your home fire
Fill me with much desire
To illegally touch you and to say
That I’ll stalk you this Christmas, darling
And on New Years too
I’ve just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish you weren’t with Hugh
No, I wish you weren’t with Hugh…
Yes, those logs on your fire
Compel me to conspire
Against you and to hatefully say
That this is Hugh’s last Christmas
No more New Years too
My one small wish
On this murderous eve
Is to be murdering Hugh for you.
I will murder Hugh for you…
Merry Christmas, darling.
There, thats better, isn’t it?
Here is the real video/song/lyrics if you are so inclined to bore yourself to death and back by listening to it.
Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post titled “Stuff I Would Waste Money On If I Had Any Money To Waste- The Holiday Edition”!
GingerSnaap’s Recommended Links:
Unless you are The Carpenters- then you will spread hatred and damnation that makes Baby Jesus cry on the 7th day and the world will cease to end because the tears of Baby Jesus will flood the earth.
That opening line made my heart sink. Though I think you may have mentioned your hatred when I did a cover version contest of them – a lot of people did actually. I have a soft spot for them which goes against all my music taste.
I still love you, Joe Hoover, and I know you have some strong feelings for me as well….
Does that mean you will sing Rainy days and Mondays on your next vlog for me?
Awwwww…fuck no! But I still love you, Joe Hoover.
I’m sure the Carpenters themselves would have loved this!
(And Karen would have sung it if you threw in a sandwich!)
She didn’t eat sandwiches, Guap, remember?
Yesterday I got all dorky with my hair and Mr Cheeky called me Karen Carpenter. We laughed..hard..then I knocked out most of his teeth. I’m the only one laughing today. Nice post! Song made me a little teary eyed, and maybe a little more likely to watch my back.
I already know where you live,Cheeky, and your Christmas tree looks really pretty in that room!
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH 911! 911!!!!!
I almost spit out my Christmas cake reading this comment…*gasp* okay, now I’m choking. SHhhhh…peeps are writing exams! Hehehe…
Sigh. FOCUS KJ!
I’ll try, but it’s too difficult, what with all this blogging and shit. *sigh* Okay…I’m together now…moving on.
Oops, sorry! No I’m not. I love to make people laugh so hard they spit something out. I’ll try harder to make sure next time, you do a full on cake blow. Hopefully, there will be a worthy target in your path.
Much appreciated.
Best post. Ever.
You won’t come back from Deadman’s Curvy, Johnny Angel. I guess that’s what happens when You’re A Runaround Lover. Luckily they say Santa Claus has A Thousand Eyes.
I love me some Carpenters. Ho ho ho!
That poem? Forget about it! A new Christmas classic is born! Can I license it for a Christmas musical?
You can license it for a small fee of 100% royalties!
So many Christmas albums have that cheesy, yuck factor, don’t they? The only one I really, truly like is Chris Isaak’s. That one’s a good one. Aaron Neville’s is pretty decent, too. Beyond that, barf bag time.
Funny, the only favorite album I have is a cheesy one from 1974 by Roger Whittaker. We listened to it over and over and over again, and I have copy here at the house. CHEEEESY, but holds lots of memories..
Well now … the cruel side of my wants to put more Carpenters in this comment … but, I fear a visit from the flesh-eaters.
OH! I will sick the flesh eaters upon you, Frank , if you do that! ;o)
You’ve made legends to fear!
Why is everybody so Grinchilicious today? I did a cool original song video. I am doing my part to keep up the holiday spirit for the few days we have left before our planet goes hurtling off into space like a dimly glowing cinder!
*snort* It’s Karen’s fault! Her singing drives me craaaaazy- more craaaaaazy than I already am on my own!
That is white people at their musical worst, I grant you that.
See? They are awful! But you aren’t…sigh.
No… I am not… does that mean you like the new song I posted, or I am just not awful in general???
LOL my mom used to sing Close To You when I was little. I love the re-written lyrics! Now video tape yourself singing it
GAH! No siging videos yet- I am not Hotspur! ;o)
Hmmmm sounds like you are challenging him to sing it???
Perfect!
Ooooooo- YES- HE should sing it! Bahahahahaha!
YOU should go ask him, and flash your baby blues at him when you do….. snort!!
I just snorted for real. Let’s gang up on him on twitter!
But I think he would LIKE that too much!
I know, let’s see if PMAO will ask him…
Hey, ARTHUR- will you??
PMAO should write a blog post stating all the reasons why Hotspur should sing the song that GingerSnaap wrote because HastyWords is a Genius inspirationist or something like that.
I agree %1000!!
oh Ginger – how did you become so bitter… good thing I read this I was dedicating a Carpenter Xmas Carol just for you… no I wasn;t – just kidding and I will cringe everytime I hear the Carpenters form this day forth.. in solidarity – or something similar.. you are a nut – but that;s just one of a gazillion reasons I love you ..
Okay, but WHAT KIND of nut am I, exactly? ;o)
the best kind…
kind of like a hazel nut – but not a walnut or a peanut…
get it off your chestnut – is there such thing as a bestnut?
SNORT!!! YES, yes there IS such a thing as a bestnut! There is the beginning of a poem right there!!
I’m on the
Top of the world
Looking down on creation
And the only explanation I can find
Is the love I’ve found
Ever since you’ve been around
You’re love’s put me up on top of the world!
You are so mean!
But wait… what’s this…. a karaoke version of the song with no vocals…. Wow!
AWESOME! And YOU can sing it!
All someone would need to do now is play the above video and sing your lyrics over it, and record themselves! Wow! I’m on top of the world! Are we finished?
No… we’ve only just begun.
Wow! Great Idea! FOR YOU TO DO! Yeah!
Now, who can we get to do this….hmmm…. supposedly Hasty can sing like an angel…
Ok, YOU & HASTY! The new Richard and Karen!
Yeah – we’ll put on the wigs and everything! I’m sure she has one that looks like that somewhere as a goof!
There is pretty much 0 chance (should I say say pretty much as it implies a teeny wee chance) that I would hit play on the Carpenters (shudder) (uncontrollable shudder).
Are you foaming at the mouth as well??
I’m good now, I ripped the bulb from a lamp and jammed my finger into the socket. Electroshock has its place.
Thank God i am not alone.
This was deliciously wicked! Thank you.
Ahh yes, much like me! Thanks!
Awwww man….to my honest I sort of like that song….but I gotta admit…
I LIKE YOURS BETTER!!! And now any time it comes on I’ll turn it up, just so I can sing THESE lyrics instead.
Sorry- I really am an evil and hateful person on the inside and mostly on the outside as well.
But I’m glad you will be singing my new lyrics- you wanna record yourself doing that??
If there’s enough wine….I’LL DO IT
OH!! *wondering how I can make that happen* *I’ll be back….
With Christmas coming, there’s guaranteed to be enough booze around this house. If we’re really lucky, there may even be a few takers on joining in with me. I will keep you posted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Satire trumps sincerity every time
Well done, is there a karaoke version we can sing along with this to?
Off topic … Merry Christmas Ginger to you, the Mountain Man, and the Flesheaters! … and hey … multi-day party in progress at my place, so hope to see you.