* To read about Edward Hotspur and Salma Hayek, go here.
** To read about Edward Hotspur and The Flowers On The Horizon, go here.
Why hello, Mr. Hotspur, and thank you for joining us here at The Empire Of Bacon. On behalf of all the staff , I want to welcome you and wish you the happiest of birthdays!
Oh, dear me, I seem to have forgotten my manners. Please, allow me introduce myself…
My name is Lottie , and I will be your hostess today. Mr. Hotspur, it is not often we allow commoners into our top secret world of Organic Pork Products ( hereby and henceforth to be known as O.P.P. Yes, I realize “O.P.P.” has other meanings as well, but can we all agree that we ARE, in fact, down with O.P.P. when it pertains to Organic Pork Products?), however, I was recently introduced to a friend of yours who very ruthlessly used his powers (and prowess) of naked bar dancing to persuade me to let you into the hallowed halls of The Empire Of Bacon and the O.P.P’s secret way of life. Since his moves were so impressive, not only will I give you an exclusive tour of the O.P.P. facilities, but I have also decided to make you an honorary member of the O.P.P. club. With this membership you will have all inclusive access to our services in the O.P.P. realm.
So tell me Mr. Hotspur, are you down with O.P.P.?
Before we get started on the O.P.P. tour, may I offer you an adult beverage? Your comfort, and helping you to unwind, are our top priorities in the O.P.P. club. We want you to enjoy all that we have to give you. It just so happens that today’s specialty Birthday Cocktail is a Maple Bacon Martini. It is one of my personal favorites and it contains vodka infused with the foreskins of Russian Pot Belly Pigs. This cocktail, made exclusively for members of the O.P.P. club, is the other reason you have been given a rare pass onto the O.P.P. premises. Your naked dancing friend made sure they were heavy on the ‘maple’ and even heavier on the ‘foreskins’ while using them to bribe me for your all access Birthday pass. So drink up, birthday boy, we have a lot to show you..
If the O.P.P. martini has not yet got you feeling all groovy and relaxed, or calm and loose, might I suggest you stop in and see one of our massage specialists? This is another generous service we offer for guests in our O.P.P. club.
Our trained professionals will have you feeling as happy as a pig in a mud puddle on Sunday before you know it! Our massage therapists are specially trained in ancient Baconedish techniques and will only use certified O.P.P. lubricants on your delicate skin. Our most popular oil in the O.P.P. line is the sensuous, yet swine infused, Bacon Lube. This is when all of your real world troubles will melt away into a jar of un-wanted bacon grease…Ahhhhhh.
You will, without a doubt, want to wallow here for a long time after you are finished. Please, take your time, and when you are ready, I will assist you with a new wardrobe selection as you spend the rest of the day getting acquainted with our O.P.P. club.
At the O.P.P. club, we like to keep our attire on the more formal side of life, so while you were moaning away from the effects of the official O.P.P. Bacon Lube Baconedish massage earlier today, I went ahead and ordered this for you…
I think the perfectly blended colors of this O.P.P. inspired suit will harmonize harmoniously with those! eyes! of yours, don’t you agree? Excuse me for one moment while I sigh out loud.
Our massage therapist gave me all of your measurements, forgive us if the trousers are a bit too tight in certain areas…
Now let’s get moving Mr. Hotspur, I took the liberty of scheduling a hair appointment for you. As I was listening at the door when you were being handled by our O.P.P. massage therapists, I overheard you say something like ” I love the way that certified O.P.P. Bacon Lube feels in my hair”, and I knew you would need your coiffe freshened up a bit. O.P.P. lube can give a guy some serious bed head..
You have the option of trying on the O.P.P. style trend of 2013, which is modeled here by Bob, the bacon shampoo boy, or , Mr. Hotspur, you can keep your current kicked up hair style which, in certain circles, is considered adorable and swoony. Bob will not care either way. Bob has no emotions or opinions because Bob is wearing O.P.P. on his head and is in a climatic heavenly trance of O.P.P. bliss. On second thought, perhaps Bob does not, in fact, want to share the O.P.P. style trend of 2013 with you, even if it is your birthday. Bob is rumored to be a nympho with severe O.P.P. fetishes and I think Bob has defiled the O.P.P. style trend of 2013, so why don’t we just freshen up your cuteness a little bit and leave you as is, okay? Yes, that’s sounds lovely.
Would you mind terribly if I just give a quick wash over my hands? I think Bob may have touched my own personal cache of O.P.P. items… You better wash something as well, Bob was the one who bottled the Bacon Lube for your massage…
A-hem, ummm, okay, well, all seems better now, shall we keep going?
With the O.P.P. tour?
Mr. Hotspur, here at The Empire Of Bacon, we offer several forms of entertainment for your entertaining pleasure and pleasuring. All of the nightclubs on the premises are approved by our O.P.P. Board of Directors and meet the standards of Bob, the nympho with severe O.P.P. fetishes… but that last bit isn’t important…
Tonight only, at our Performance Art Theater, you can feast your wonderous eyes on The Bacon Guy.
In our theater.
We call his particular style of performing “Art-near, with bacon”.
He’s down with O.P.P.
I understand that you like poetry, Mr. Hotspur? Well, per my suggestion to the O.P.P. Board and a bribe to Bob via photographs of my feet wrapped in prosciutto, we now have an open mic night for Poets in our brand new O.P.P. Cafe. You will find an eclectic mix of men and women, all of whom are so so sooooo very down with O.P.P… and salted caramel bacon lattes. And Bob. Bob will be there.
I happen to be a bit of a poet myself….
Bacon is Red
And is so good to chew
It’s sizzling and cut thick
And look at it dripping
All over you.
I think my prose is O.P.P. Cafe worthy, don’t you?
Now, if you’re salivating for something a little more on the wild side, we also have a Women’s Semi-Professional Bacon Wrestling Team!
Beautiful women, rolling around on top of delicious strips of hardwood smoked bacon that have been dry rubbed with special O.P.P. spices, who are scantily clad so as to make those mouth watering slices of over salted heaven stick to their warm and sweaty bodies, all in the name of bacon love…
They are definitely down with O.P.P.
Please, Mr. Hotspur, the only thing we ask is that you entertain yourself responsibly while you are here… remember to use the bacon soap if needed on all porous and non-porous surfaces.
And I must not forget to direct your attention to The Empire Of Bacon Gift Shop, located next to the Performance Art Theater because no one really wants to see The Bacon Guy do anything with his bacon, so the Gift Shop is a great place to hide from that whore disguised as a performance artist. And Bob. You can also hide from Bob in there. Bob is a cheap bastard who never pays for anything and wouldn’t be caught dead with his canadian bacon wrapped disco stick in the Gift Shop.
In the gift shop you will find a wide variety of O.P.P. mementoes to take home to your lovely wife or to keep for yourself….it is, after all, your Birthday. No one judges the reasons why you purchase something here at The Empire Of Bacon.
Here is a small yet delectable sample of some of the items you may enjoy for yourself or enjoy for your wife…
Perfect for a man with high fashion sense, impressing your friends at the office just became a whole lot easier, and much more tasty! Your boss will be envious of your exclusive membership at the O.P.P. club and I think you will see a lot more invitations to those ‘special after hours corporate meetings’ with CEO’s named Destiny Love & Kitty Kumquat… O.P.P. membership has many, many privileges…
I have no doubt that your Mrs. will look stunning in this O.P.P. inspired brassiere.. This will be a gift for both of you, I think.
And no O.P.P. inspired brassiere is complete without a coordinating pair of panties, O.P.P. style, of course!
A fresh bouquet of Bacon Roses is something no member of the O.P.P. club should go home without… especially when he is 5 hours late because of a special after hours corporate meeting…
A little O.P.P. lip balm comes in handy after salivating over all that The Empire Of Bacon Has to offer…
Well Mr. Hotspur, this tour of the O.P.P. club at The Empire Of Bacon has come to an end. It’s over. Done. Finished and wrapped up in a to go box. We hope you enjoyed your stay here with us today and we look forward to seeing you again soon. Your exclusive O.P.P. club membership expires in one year or when you have your first bacon induced heart attack.
Once again, I wish you…
THE HAPP HAPPY HAPPIEST BIRTHDAY, EVAAAA!
To wish Mr. Silly Person, aka, Edward Hotspur, a Happy Birthday
**GingerSnaap Foot Note-
To see all of the posts in The Edward Hotspur Birthday series, click on the shiny links below!