Wasted

I just wanted to forget

Silence the demons

Feel a sense of happiness

Even if it was false

So I drank it in

Fast and furious

Not wasting any time

Finding utopia

At the bottom of a bottle.

*

I was lovely then

I was lovable then, too

I was more clumsy than normal

I was euphoric

I was normal

I was without dysfunction

I was pretty

I was funny

I was adored

I was happy

At the bottom of that bottle.

*

I only drank for one reason

To be drunk

Never a casual social drinker

Always a habitual binge drinker

Not every night

But damn near every night

Mostly at home

With a neighbor

Or all by myself

When taking a break

From a tumultuous marriage.

*

If one drink was good

Then 10 were better

If one shot of vodka was tasty

Then half a bottle was decadent

All or nothing

Is how my disordered brain works

*

I drank while getting ready

To go to a party

So I could find my self esteem.

I drank in the car

On the way to a family dinner

While my husband was driving

So I could deal with my mother.

*

I drank at 3:30 pm

Because that’s when my husband

Was on his way home from work

And it didn’t count as

Drinking alone.

*

I drank at the block party

And fell down the hill

In the neighbors yard

Because I was too fucked up

To stand.

*

I would mix wine with Sprite

Telling myself

That a spritzer was okay

And not really alcohol.

*

I drank myself into oblivion

When my husband was diagnosed

With Cancer

Because the bottle made everything

Better.

I drank with people posing as friends

Trying to numb my suspicions

Of her wanting to take my beloved

But I couldn’t drink enough

To stop that from happening.

*

I drank to relax

Since I couldn’t handle

Being a stay at home mom

And the pressures of

What society

Said I should do, think, and feel.

*

I drank because it was Friday night

And Saturday afternoon

And my kids birthday party at the house

And Easter

Christmas

4th of July

Wednesday

Girls Night Out

My brother’s funeral

My best friend’s wedding

Wasted at my parents anniversary party

I drank because it was fun.

*

At the bottom of the bottle

I found empowerment

I found acceptance

I also found sorrow

When I woke up the next day

And my life was still the same.

*

I still want to be drunk

And feel no pain

I still want to medicate

And see through a rose colored stupor

I want to black out and sleep

A heavenly and uninterrupted sleep

I want to play with the big kids

And not be left off the guest list

I want to live at the bottom of the bottle

Wasted

But I choose not to any longer

*

I’m learning to like the sober version of me

There is clarity

Whether it be good

Or whether it be hard

When I don’t see the bottom of the bottle.

 

binge

30 thoughts on “Wasted

  1. I have so much respect for you, Ginger. I will tell you that the entire reason I don’t drink is because I know with absolute certainty that this post would be about me if I did. I do everything to an extreme and it has caused me problems in many areas of my life. I am not sure I have faced my issues with as much courage as you’ve demonstrated here.

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