Christmas Cards

I used to send Christmas Cards but I don’t anymore. And it’s all because I can’t afford the damn postage.

The last time I sent a card out, it was because we had a cute family photo taken, and by ‘cute’ I mean that I actually looked cute and there was no way in hell I was going to let that momentous occasion go to waste! So, being the social butterfly I am, I decided to send them to every person I have ever said hello to, or made eye contact with, during the previous 5 years- good hair days caught on film deserve to be shown off. But,  I had 1 small problem- no money for stamps- it was Christmas shopping season and I forgot I have 4 kids and lots of extended family to buy thoughtful Gift Cards gifts for. My compromise for mailing the ‘already printed as well as addressed’ photo cards of cheer was to send out a few each week until none were left- this lasted until the middle of January. That’s what vanity will do for you folks- it will cause you to spend unnecessary funds on photos that end up in your neighbors’ sisters’ hairdressers’ garbage can, and not on their Refrigerator where you rightfully belong. But alas, I have learned my lesson, now I spend unneccessary funds on mass junk from Toys R (Bankrupting) Us.

And don’t even tell me if you are one of those Christmas Letter sending types, because if you are,  I honestly cannot stand you. When I receive these epistles of good tidings, it causes me to throw up a little in my mouth.

 Here is a sample Letter from a Pleasantville friend from church:

Dear GingerSnaap,

We are abundantly blessed and highly favored this year!! LOL!! Per his usual, little Johnny got strait A’s in each one of his advanced,gifted,college level,bio-chemistry 2nd grade classes-really, he just excels at EVERYTHING! He loves Jesus with all his heart and has been the Star Sunday School Student for 24 weeks in a row!!! And who can forget our little Susie?? She got perfect attendance, AGAIN (and got my kid sick when she decided to tough out her infectious cough at school)! Susie has a very strong work ethic and doesn’t give in even when she vomits all over the Band Room floor- we just simply adore her tenacity and the awesome example she sets for the lesser achievers at school!! As for me, well, I lost 85 lbs, was elected President of the PTO, the PTA, School Board, AND started a Girl Scout Troop in every grade level of the kid’s school!!  My loving and devoted husband  Bill received 3 promotions this year and was given not one, but TWO company cars for our family to enjoy!! We truly believe God is the Author of all things good in our life!! I hope and pray you are having a better year than the last, GingerSnaap, and that God may choose to finally bless your family the way He has blessed ours- I am sure your kids will excel at something this year!!!!

Yours in Christ~ Patti Pleasant

Merry Christmas, Losers!

 Oh, and how could I forget the letter from Mr & Mrs JetSetter:

My Dearest GingerSnaap, Dahling,

Happy Holidays!!! This year has flown by and I just HAD to catch you up on all of our excitement!!! Enclosed are the pictures from all 6 of our trips abroad this year ( abroad-that’s fancy speak for vacation). We jumped over to Greece for New Years- you MUST join us next time, and an educational trip to China for their Spring Festival in February-no self-respecting family should miss out on this event!!! Flew down to Disney World for Easter, as the twins have done so well in Pre-School and deserved a reward for their potty training skills!!! A short stay at Martha’s Vineyard for the 4th (Bud could only spare 8 days for that one-poor dear is so busy at work these days), Barbados in September just because- actually,I was feeling a bit pale (smile)!!!! And lastly,  to Germany for Oktoberfest in the fall-PROST!! Oh GingerSnaap! I am elated to tell you that by the time you read this letter, we will be off to PARIS for a glorious winter in the land of Love!!! It’s a little surprise for the twins who turn 3 in January!!!!

Let’s catch up soon!!!

Chow and Merry Christmas to US!!!! (smile)

GAG.ME,PLEASE.

If I ever decided to write such a letter, it would go something like this:

Merry Christmas Y’all!!!!

Here is a re-cap of our wickedly exciting 2011!!!!
In January we realized we were broke (again) from Christmas and now, since we also have to meet our damn Insurance deductibles for the new year,there will be NO Orthodontics afforded to the 11 year old until the year 2022.

February came along with some home renovations: a nice new hole in the wall from a cell phone being thrown at it.TNT girl, our youngest, continues to stun us with her Picasso-like crayon drawings on her bedroom wall and bathroom walls, and we thought about bringing in the 18 boxes of Kitchen tile that have sat in the Garage for 9 years waiting to be installed-still thinking about that one, but I am not bitter about it at all.

 March came & went and no one barfed on me-SCORE!!!

 In April, we were offered a spot on a TV show! Oh my gawd, we were contacted by the Producers of  Hoaders and they sent a camera crew out for an introductory interview!! They think we are a shoo-in for the show!!!

In May,my sister turned 50 and she looks 30. If I didn’t love Jesus, I would hate her.

 June- school is out and it’s  too bad I don’t drink anymore. We also went camping abroad.

By July, my amazing kids have continued to wow me with their hefty compliments like ‘I hate you’, ‘you’re the worst mommy ever’ and ‘this house sucks’- really, we are truly blessed with the most respectful and well-mannered children.

 August- went camping abroad again and almost got eaten by Cheez It stealing bears.

September found me failing miserably with my ‘kids are at school so I will exercise’ routine and I found a few extra pounds in my Junk Trunk.

 In October, Mountain Man and I celebrated our ’15 years and not divorced’ anniversary! Whew! 

November reared its ugly head and gave me news that I am allergic to all things Dairy,Eggs,Coffee,Mushrooms and Yeast. I now HATE the month of November and would like to send it to Hell.

 And here we are in December- the glorious month of weeks long arguments about money, house cleaning, entertaining and which over priced gadget Mountain Man IS NOT getting for Christmas!!!! By the time you read this I will be re-considering alcohol and possibly divorce, or at the very least, moving Mountain Man and/or the children into the Camper in the driveway.

Very Fondly Yours and Merry Freakin’ Christmas,

From GingerSnaap and Dysfunctional Family

2 thoughts on “Christmas Cards

  1. Pingback: Let the Mompetition Begin! | permission slips

  2. Christmas cards, like all forms of written communication, require thought, empathy, depth, character, warmth, and love. Not everyone has mastered this difficult art. I do have a suggestion. Do not ever write Christmas cards when you are angry. Or spiteful, jealous, pompous, annoying, or boring. (I don’t mean you, of course, I am sure your cards are just fine.)

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