I hate The Carpenter’s.
No, not the guys who do construction and wear muscle shirts and get all sweaty and wear hard hats….. the Brother/Sister singing duo in that photo up there. I especially hate it when their Christmas music is played on the radio. Makes me have convulsions and foam at the mouth. Or maybe that’s just the chili I made for dinner. No, no, noooooo, it’s definitely the Carpenters Horrible Holiday Sounds. Can I get a witness? Care to preach it on the altar of this is the worst holiday music ever made in the history of holiday music? No? Then you can go straight to hell in a Karen Carpenter handbasket, with a side of Richard in your mouth.
Do you see what happens to me when I even THINK about them? It adds to my evil ugliness. Or maybe it enhances it? I don’t know.
In honor of my hatred of all things “The Carpenters”, I have re-written one of their Christmas songs for you, GingerSnaap style! I really hope you enjoy it and that it makes you feel warm and fuzzy all over. But if you DO feel warm and fuzzy all over, it could be because you just tinkled a little bit in your panties, or not, no need to tell me about it…
So, without further ado, rambling/intro-ing/or segway-ing, I give you my version of “Merry Christmas Darling“…
Asshat Christmas letters have all been sent
The holiday rush is through
But I still have one oath to make
A special vow for you
Merry Christmas darling
We’re apart that’s true
But I can dream stalk, and in my dreams
I’m stalking the hell out of you.
Holidays are stressful
There’s always a creep or two
And everyday’s a holiday
When I’m lurking near to you
The lights on your tree
You didn’t know I could see
I wish you weren’t this way
The logs on your home fire
Fill me with much desire
To illegally touch you and to say
That I’ll stalk you this Christmas, darling
And on New Years too
I’ve just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish you weren’t with Hugh
No, I wish you weren’t with Hugh…
Yes, those logs on your fire
Compel me to conspire
Against you and to hatefully say
That this is Hugh’s last Christmas
No more New Years too
My one small wish
On this murderous eve
Is to be murdering Hugh for you.
I will murder Hugh for you…
Merry Christmas, darling.
There, thats better, isn’t it?
Here is the real video/song/lyrics if you are so inclined to bore yourself to death and back by listening to it.
Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post titled “Stuff I Would Waste Money On If I Had Any Money To Waste- The Holiday Edition”!
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