Sleep eludes me, hides from me
It’s cold outside, and even colder inside.
I cannot find rest in this place-
Trying to remember what we were building,
And perplexed as to why we keep tearing it down.
I watch you in the distance, replacing me with something less superior.
Your words sting me like the vipor-
Causing my heart to second guess this vow.
I will fight back- I will not retreat from this battle.
I have never settled for mediocrity, and I won’t start to now.
I am disordered,
I am clumsy,
I am tired,
I am overwhelmed,
I am cluttered and un-domestic,
I am anxious and I am angry-
And you love me conditionally because of it.
But I am also a survivor,
I am eloquent,
I am full of life and impulsivity,
I am able to function in this chaos,
I am content with my life,
I am joyous in my center-
And I wonder why I’m not loved unconditionally because of it.
It is what it is-
This is what I tell myself
When this home is bitter cold, and void of acceptance.
This is just who we are, who we are most comfortable being.
The passive voice of discontent wins a round once again.
I’ve been replacing you with something less superior too.
My self defense in my weakness,
Is to willingly run into dangerous territory.
Hoping to find a temporary mecca
Of praise and affection both imagined and real.
Where are we, who are we with?
What happened to our common ground, to our cause?
Our minds stray, we give pieces of ourselves to those not worthy- fall in love with ghosts.
And we end up out in the dark, abandoned, un-rested , unable to dream-
Refusing our promises a fair trial.
A deep bruise to our egos, a wake up call from reality.
Sleep eludes me, but it will not escape with my courage-
I will do what is right in this moment.
I am coming back to you, though I know you will wound me again.
I will rage against this frost before it freezes my soul.
Go to sleep.